the weakness in me

The music lover. The punk rocker. The glam girl. The party girl. The good listener. The shoulder to cry on. The spoiled girl. The ‘always there’ friend. The emo girl. The tomboy. The loud girl. The happy girl. The ‘down to earth’ girl. The family girl.
I was always the strange combination of all of those girls.
The trends that they followed, I used to challenge. The music they listened to, I replaced with more emotional, more meaningful lyrics. The views the adopted, I questioned.

I used to feel the world’s emotions as if they were my own. Listening to my rock songs, I would cry with them, as though I had lost that loved one, as though I never wanted to wake up again. I wanted to be there for everyone and help them fix themselves because maybe that would fix me.
I wanted to be one of the girls, to be apart of that unbreakable circle. But I wanted to stick with the guys, afraid of the bitchiness that comes with girls. I wanted to get all dressed up and wear high heels and make-up; but I loved wearing jeans and a hoodie with my All Stars.

I wanted to stand out so that someone would finally look AT me, not straight THROUGH me.

I wanted everyone to think I was always happy but I wished that they’d notice how much I was hurting. I never knew where I was in my life, because I was always somewhere different, wanting something else. I liked to think that I was unpredictable. And maybe the only reason I tried to be unpredictable was out of fear that being me, just me, all the time, would bore you.

And despite all the downfalls that girl may have, I love her. Because she was always the same to me, she was always what I knew and trusted. She was the one who had the strength to push through all the hurt, all the pain, and walk away as if nothing had changed...
And I never thought that after surviving as much as I knew she had, she would ever lose that strength and confidence. But somehow it happened, and the unravelling of an enigmatic soul began...


I started giving away little pieces of me, the little pieces that had always made me unique. I stopped listening to my favourite music, and instead listened to mainstream music that I knew everyone else was listening to. I stopped letting each outfit represent how I was feeling, and instead just chose outfits I knew everyone else would accept and compliment. I stopped allowing myself to feel the things I needed to feel, and instead I smiled with a brave face and pretended to be fine because it was how everyone else felt. I stopped looking for new and exciting things to do each day, and instead I just followed everyone else's plans. And I knew all along that I was doing all of this, because I was afraid to do anything different on my own.

It was better to be on the same page as the rest of than to have to write my story...

But I've had enough now,because I know that I never used to be afraid. I never use to fear who I was, what I stood for, what I believed in, and what I did. I always believed in those things, I always believed in myself.

So if what you thought you knew seems different suddenly, the truth is that I'm not any different I just never let you see this side, until now.

I can't be what you want or what you need. Because allowing myself to make you happy at my expense is the weakness in me. And I'm choosing to fight that weakness, until I get every bit of my true soul back...