You and Me

"Then I see you standing there..."
But when it's you, you're not wanting more from me... I don't have to try for anything.
You just see me, for all I am and all I'm not and you smile with all the love that's inside of you.

I close my eyes and I can see you right there in front of me, and I wish with all of my soul that I could open my eyes and be lying beside you... Instead I'm stuck by myself so far away from you, wondering when the world is going to let us be together.

I know you're my person. I will only truly know myself once I've been myself with you. I will only know love once I say those words to you. I know that you are the one for me, and until our time comes, I just have to find a way to fight it through this lonliness...

I love you, I have since the first time we kissed, and I've never stopped...

Far away, a true friend, a true love

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance, Just one breath, Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go....

the weakness in me

The music lover. The punk rocker. The glam girl. The party girl. The good listener. The shoulder to cry on. The spoiled girl. The ‘always there’ friend. The emo girl. The tomboy. The loud girl. The happy girl. The ‘down to earth’ girl. The family girl.
I was always the strange combination of all of those girls.
The trends that they followed, I used to challenge. The music they listened to, I replaced with more emotional, more meaningful lyrics. The views the adopted, I questioned.

I used to feel the world’s emotions as if they were my own. Listening to my rock songs, I would cry with them, as though I had lost that loved one, as though I never wanted to wake up again. I wanted to be there for everyone and help them fix themselves because maybe that would fix me.
I wanted to be one of the girls, to be apart of that unbreakable circle. But I wanted to stick with the guys, afraid of the bitchiness that comes with girls. I wanted to get all dressed up and wear high heels and make-up; but I loved wearing jeans and a hoodie with my All Stars.

I wanted to stand out so that someone would finally look AT me, not straight THROUGH me.

I wanted everyone to think I was always happy but I wished that they’d notice how much I was hurting. I never knew where I was in my life, because I was always somewhere different, wanting something else. I liked to think that I was unpredictable. And maybe the only reason I tried to be unpredictable was out of fear that being me, just me, all the time, would bore you.

And despite all the downfalls that girl may have, I love her. Because she was always the same to me, she was always what I knew and trusted. She was the one who had the strength to push through all the hurt, all the pain, and walk away as if nothing had changed...
And I never thought that after surviving as much as I knew she had, she would ever lose that strength and confidence. But somehow it happened, and the unravelling of an enigmatic soul began...


I started giving away little pieces of me, the little pieces that had always made me unique. I stopped listening to my favourite music, and instead listened to mainstream music that I knew everyone else was listening to. I stopped letting each outfit represent how I was feeling, and instead just chose outfits I knew everyone else would accept and compliment. I stopped allowing myself to feel the things I needed to feel, and instead I smiled with a brave face and pretended to be fine because it was how everyone else felt. I stopped looking for new and exciting things to do each day, and instead I just followed everyone else's plans. And I knew all along that I was doing all of this, because I was afraid to do anything different on my own.

It was better to be on the same page as the rest of than to have to write my story...

But I've had enough now,because I know that I never used to be afraid. I never use to fear who I was, what I stood for, what I believed in, and what I did. I always believed in those things, I always believed in myself.

So if what you thought you knew seems different suddenly, the truth is that I'm not any different I just never let you see this side, until now.

I can't be what you want or what you need. Because allowing myself to make you happy at my expense is the weakness in me. And I'm choosing to fight that weakness, until I get every bit of my true soul back...

The journey of life

After the first 2 or 3 weeks of first term of my first year at Rhodes, I realised that while nothing was idyllic or perfect here in G-town, it was still going to be a year which would create a life for me, unlike anything I could have imagined. And in realising this I was able to bask in the summers days spent on the lawns, nights out with new and fun friends and nights in, grasping the newfound immensity of late-night work sessions. But at that point of realisation it all came crashing down on me like a wave that had been building up for the 18 years that had been my life so far...

On the 20th of February, a Wednesday, I got up to get ready for my 8:40 Journ lecture, as usual. And then my cell phone rang, which caught me off guard, seeing as I'd already spoken to my mom for the day. The name flashing on my screen was a good friend from high school - Melissa. Strange, I thought to myself, but I still looked forward to hearing a familiar voice!"Gerry, I'm so sorry I'm calling you so early. It's just that, um, I have to, uh... Kyle, Kyle van Heerden. Georgie saw him on Monday, he came to visit. Last night he was out... The car crashed. He broke his neck instantly. He's dead."It felt like it had taken Mel hours to finish that sentence, but in the few actual seconds it had taken, my life was ripped away from me. Kyle was not the first person I had known to die, but he was the closest. The only family I had ever lost I'd either never known or was too young to have to deal with their deaths properly.And then this happened. And I was alone. In a new and vastly strange city. No family. No friends who had known Kyle like I had. Nothing...
But as usual life went on, and each day I managed to cry a little less, I managed to sleep a little more, and I managed to put the pain away into a little box in my heart.

On the 14th of May, a Wednesday, I'd gone to my Journ lecture and was wrapping up with my English one. As I picked up my bag to pack away notes, I felt my cellphone vibrating. Thinking it'd be a message from Mom, I casually opened the sms. It wasn't Mom, it was one of my best friends from school - Zenia. Being used to her random messages reminding me that she loves and misses me, I couldn't quite figure out why all she had said was "Hey my girl... Are you ok?" So I replied, said I was just fine, looking forward to my plans for later that night, but still missing her lots!Three minutes later she was phoning me, and seeing as I was about to walk out of EG Red's doors I eagerly took the call, looking forward to a catch up session..."Gezzie my girl, I'm so sorry I have to phone you for this. There was an accident last night. Jords Graham was driving home with Matt from Ruby's. They took a corner too quickly, the car rolled. They didn't make it. Gezzie, Jords is gone. I’m so sorry... Are you going to be ok? I love you so much"

So, it had been four months. And in the first of those four, February, I lost a very good friend and a long-time crush to a car crash. In the third of those four, April, two more of my very good friends wrote their cars off... They survived, thank God. And then the fourth month, and one of the best friends I'd had since grade 11 was taken by another car crash.And you're thinking that must have been the battle life had wanted me to fight for 2008? Wrong!

My family has always loved animals, and I have never lived in a quiet home thanks to a bird and three amazing dogs. But, turned out that God wanted them too. My bird died of old age during June exams. And then I had to return home in September vac to only one puppy, lonely and depressed after having her 'big brother' put down a few weeks earlier.While the loss of pets may seem insignificant to some, having only one furry companion and no solace in talking to my little birdie on my shoulder, made life at home seem unrealistic and surreal to me. As if I'd come home to my family, but to the wrong house, at the wrong time, in a completely different place to what had been my 'home'.

Through these personal hardships, I had learned to cope with sorrow and loneliness away from home, without the support of long-time friends and my family.But I have also had my fair share of troubles here at Rhodes... I applied for a post on RMR, twice. I made it through to the interview stages, twice. I got intimidated, mocked and grilled by the panel, twice. And I got rejected by the station, twice.All my life I saw myself working on radio, and now for the first time I could go out there and grab a chance to make this dream reality... And I didn't make it. I wasn't what they wanted. My dream was still on hold...So again, I had to pull myself together, find new reasons to wake up each morning and move on to something else in search of happiness and success.
This term, fourth term, the end. I was convinced that I was entering this term with me, myself and my life as my one and only priority! I was going to work hard, I was going to party how I wanted and when I wanted, I was going to apply and make it onto House Comm for 2009, I was going to study hard and I was going to pass first year and lavish in a well-deserved two month holiday!!!No, I didn't make it onto House Comm. No, I don't think exams are going to be as ok as I had hoped for.And still it goes on.
Last week I lost another good friend, this time to a drug overdose. He overdosed in the early hours of Wednesday morning, and on Saturday I found out that he is now permanently brain damaged. He's never coming back to Rhodes, or any varsity for that matter. He's never going to be able to live a normal life. He's never going to be ok.

I think that each and every single one of us has survived our own version of hell-on-earth this year. And I think that every single one of you fellow first year students should stop to take a moment to realise that amongst the greatness of this past year, you have fought many a battle and made it through!
Life isn't a destination after all, it is the journey... And this year has been one long and unpredictable one at that. But if the journey leads to the destination our dreams are built of, I think each step of the way will always be worth it...